REFLECTING ON 2025 AND JOURNALLING
I'm tempted to think of this as another wasted year, but in truth, I did achieve something insignificant yet foundational in 2025. I've been journalling all my life, since I was 7 years old, though you wouldn't think it based on the sparse stack of jagged-edged paper I've built up over the years.
I've always had a tendency to destroy, as if ripping out pages might purge the parts of my soul I couldn't bare to see. Which, turns out, is most of it. And so, I've been left with chasms in my memory because I've always felt it better to not exist at all than be imperfect. A scrap or two from each year are all I have left, entire notebooks lost to the landfill void. One I particularly miss was glittery and velvety, pink and black zebra print that came in a 3 pack. I have no idea what I filled it with that was so offensive I threw the whole thing away.
Cutting away most of my life has obviously taken its toll. Over the years, I promised myself over and over that I'd stop chasing false fresh starts, allow myself to live and feel, but it's only come to fruition this year. I've filled 7 journals (which I think is too much and also fills me with a sense of disgust, but that's for another day) this year - the good, the bad and the mostly ugly. Admittedly, I did rip out pages every few weeks at first, but forced myself to keep them anyway, tucked away in a drawer. By the time more of my journal was in the drawer than within the binding, and I realised how much of my life I had constantly been discarding, it clicked for me how ridiculous I was being.
Like I said, an insignificant change, one that perhaps took me years longer than it ought to have. But why does it matter? Why am I bothering writing about it over anything else I did this year, like my dissertation or graduation? I suppose because without this, none of that really matters. After 15 years, I've learned to stop eroding myself under the guise of curation for an invisible voyeur, let myself exist and be known to me, and become more whole. Also journalling cured my internet addiction and dropped my screentime to an hour, but that's neither here nor there.
